配偶应该成为你最好的朋友吗
The phrase has become so ubiquitous that we almost don’t hear it anymore. “You’re still my best friend,” Michelle Obama effused to Barack Obama in an Instagram post celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.
这种说法无处不在，以至于我们几乎对其充耳不闻。“你仍然是我最好的朋友，”米歇尔·奥巴马(Michelle Obama)在庆祝她与贝拉克·奥巴马(Barack Obama)结婚25周年的Instagram帖子中向其吐露衷肠。
It’s common at award shows, as when Justin Timberlake said not long ago, “I want to thank my best friend, my favorite collaborator, my wife, Jessica.” It’s common on how-to sites, where authors write articles on “nurturing a friendship” with your spouse.
它常常出现在颁奖典礼上，比如贾斯汀·汀布莱克(Justin Timberlake)不久前就表示，“我要感谢我最好的朋友，我心爱的合作者，我的妻子杰西卡(Jessica)。”它常常出现在指南类网站上，其作者会写一些教你如何与配偶“培养友谊”的文章。
Like the living dead, another oxymoron, spouse-friends, are all around us these days. Maybe it’s the heightened attention on friendship in social media; maybe it’s the decline of actual friends in our lives; maybe it’s because we all have access to public declarations of once-private relationships. Whatever the reason, referring to your spouse as your bestie, your bud, or your #BFF has become rampant.
和矛盾修辞法的另一个例子“活死人”一样，现今，“配偶兼朋友”在我们周遭颇为常见。也许是因为友谊在社交媒体上受到高度关注；也许是因为生活中真正的朋友正在远去；也许是因为我们都有了把曾经私密的关系公诸于众的渠道。不论是什么原因，把配偶称为bestie（死党）、bud（朋友）或#BFF（一生的挚友）这种情况堪称泛滥。
So rampant, in fact, there’s even a backlash. “Why Your Spouse Shouldn’t Be Your Best Friend” one marital advice blog declares.
泛滥到了招致反弹的程度。“为什么说你的配偶不应该是你最好的朋友”，一个婚姻咨询博客以这样的标题表明态度。
So which is it? Is considering your spouse your closest friend a sign of hard-earned intimacy, attachment and trust, or is it a sign you’ve become so enmeshed in the day-to-day logistics of managing your lives that you’ve given up sexual attraction, passion and erotic play? Has marriage become little more than benefits with friendship?
那么，这到底是怎么回事？把配偶当成最亲密的朋友是标志着来之不易的亲密、依恋和信任，还是标志着你忙于应对日常生活中的柴米油盐，无暇顾及性吸引、激情和夫妻间的情趣？婚姻带来的好处已经和友谊相差无几了吗？
There is some research into this question. John Helliwell is a professor at the Vancouver School of Economics and the editor of the World Happiness Report. As he researched social connections a few years ago, he found that everyone derives benefits from online friends and real-life friends, but the only friends that boost our life satisfaction are real friends.
有人对这个问题做了一些研究。约翰·海利韦尔(John Helliwell)是温哥华经济学院(Vancouver School of Economics)的教授以及《世界幸福度报告》(World Happiness Report)的编辑。他几年前研究社会关系时发现，网络上的朋友和现实生活中的朋友都能让人获益，但只有真正的朋友才能提升我们的生活满意度。
“But while the effects of real friends on your well-being is important for everybody,” he said, “they are less so for married people than for singles. That’s how we got to the idea that marriage is a kind of ‘super-friendship.'”
“不过，虽然对每个人而言，真正的朋友给幸福感带来的影响都很重要，”他说，“但比起单身人士，已婚者受到的影响要小一些。因此我们才会觉得，婚姻是一种‘超级友谊’。”
Helliwell and a colleague discovered that a long-running study in Britain had data that may illuminate this question. From 1991 to 2009, the British Household Panel Survey asked 30,000 people to quantify their life satisfaction. In general, married people expressed higher satisfaction, he said, and were better able to manage the dip in well-being that most people experience in middle age, as they face work stress, caring for aging parents and other pressures.
海利韦尔和一名同事发现，英国的一项长期研究的数据或许有助于揭示这个问题。从1991年到2009年，英国家庭调查所(British Household Panel Survey)曾让三万人给自己的生活满意度打分。他说，总体而言，已婚者满意度较高，他们也能更好地应对大多数人会遭遇的生活满意度下降问题，比如人到中年，背负工作的压力，照顾年迈双亲的责任以及其他种种压力。
But an entirely separate part of the study asked people to name their best friend. Those who listed their spouse were twice as likely to have higher life satisfaction. Slightly more men than women made that choice, he said, “which makes sense, because men tend to have fewer friends.”
但在该研究另一个完全独立的部分中，人们被要求说出自己最好的朋友的名字。那些把配偶列为最好的朋友的人，拥有较高满意度的可能性要高出一倍。如此选择的男性稍多于女性，他说“这是说得通的，因为男性的朋友往往更少一些。”
Is feeling this way about your spouse necessary for a good marriage? I asked.
对配偶的这种感觉是成就美满婚姻的必要条件吗？我问。
“Absolutely not,” Helliwell said. “The benefits of marriage are strong even for those who are littered with outside friends. It’s just bigger for those who consider their spouse their closest friend. It’s a bonus.”
“绝对不是，”海利韦尔说。“即便对那些在外面朋友很多的人来说，婚姻也大有好处。对那些认为配偶是最亲密朋友的人来说，好处还要更大。这是一种额外的收获。”
Others are not so sure.
还有一些人则没那么确定。
Amir Levine is a psychiatrist and neuroscientist at Columbia University, and the co-author of “Attached.” A student of social relations, Levine explained that everyone has what he calls a hierarchy of attachment, meaning if something bad happens to us, we have a ranking of the people we call. In our early decades, those on the highest rungs are usually our parents or other family members.
阿米尔·列文(Amir Levine)是哥伦比亚大学的精神病学家和神经科学家，也是《依恋》(Attached)一书的合著者。研习社会关系的列文解释说，每个人都有一个他所谓的依恋层级体系，意思是说，如果遇到不好的事情，我们向人求助时会有一个次序。年少的时候，位次最高的通常是我们的双亲或其他家人。
“The problem as you grow older is, how do you let somebody close who’s basically a total stranger?” he said. “Nature came up with a trick: It’s called attraction. Sexual attraction brings down all the barriers, lets you get close to a new person in a physical way that you don’t get close to your family.”
“问题是，随着年纪渐长，你如何让某个人靠近一个基本上完全陌生的人？”他说。“大自然想出了一个妙招：那就是吸引。性吸引会打破所有障碍，让你从生理上亲近一个新人——你并不会以那种方式亲近自己的家人。”
Over time, of course, this physical connection wanes. While many bemoan this loss of titillation, Levine celebrates it. “It’s smart,” he said. “If you’re going to be crazy about the other person all the time, how are you going to raise kids? How are you going to be able to work?”
当然了，假以时日，这种生理的联结会褪色。很多人惋惜于欢愉的消退，列文却表示赞许。“这很明智，”他说。“如果一直为另一个人疯狂下去，你怎么抚养孩子？又怎么能好好工作？”
Instead of complaining, we should view this new phase as an achievement: “OK, now I have this person I’m attached to. I have the feeling of security. That’s what allows me to be an individual again and self-actualize.”
我们不应该抱怨，而是应该把这个新阶段看作一种成就：“好了，我现在拥有了我迷恋的这个人。我有了安全感。这让我可以重新变成独立的人，专注于自我实现。”
Levine summarizes this feeling with the (somewhat awkward) acronym CARRP; your partner is consistent, available, responsive, reliable and predictable. But don’t we already have a word, “spouse,” that fits this description? I said. Why are we suddenly using the expression “best friend,” when that doesn’t seem to fit at all?
列文把这种感觉总结为（有点别扭的）首字母缩略词CARRP；你有一个持久(consistent)、有空(available)、有反应(responsive)、可靠(reliable)、可预测(predictable)的伴侣。但我们不是已经有了与该描述相符的“配偶”一词了吗？我说。我们为什么突然用起了“最好的朋友”这种说法，看上去一点都不搭。
“Because not every spouse provides that,” he said, “and we’re indicating we don’t take it for granted. What we should probably be saying is ‘secure spouse.'”
“因为并非每位配偶都能提供这个，”他说，“我们想要表达的是我们并未将其视作理所当然。我们或许应该使用‘令人安心的配偶’这种说法。”
There’s yet another problem with calling your husband or wife your best friend. The words mean totally different things.
把丈夫或妻子称为最好的朋友还有一个问题。这些词的含义截然不同。
Peter Pearson and Ellyn Bader are founders of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California, and the authors of “Tell Me No Lies.” They’ve also been married for more than 30 years. Pearson said there’s a critical difference between a best friend and a spouse. “One of the criteria for a best friend is you feel unconditionally accepted,” he said. “Do I care if my buddy Mark is messy in the kitchen, leaves his bathroom a shambles and doesn’t pay his income taxes?”
彼得·皮尔森(Peter Pearson)和埃琳·巴德(Ellyn Bader)是加州门洛帕克伴侣研究所(Couples Institute)的创始人，以及《别对我撒谎》(Tell Me No Lies)一书的作者。他们俩还是结婚三十年多年的老夫老妻。皮尔森说最好的朋友和配偶之间有一个关键的差别。“最好的朋友的一个标准是无条件认同，”他说。“如果我的朋友马克把厨房搞得盆朝天碗朝地，把洗手间弄得一团糟，还不缴纳所得税，我会在乎吗？”
But with a spouse, he said, you can’t avoid these topics.
但他说，要是面对配偶，你就无法避免这些话题。
Bader said that when couples are just getting to know each other, they often say they’re companions, and she’s fine with that. When couples have been together 30, 40 or 50 years, they use similar language, and that can be the mark of a healthy relationship.
巴德说，伴侣们刚开始相互了解时，他们常说他们是同伴，她觉得这可以接受。当伴侣们在一起已经长达三四十年甚或五十年时间，他们会使用同一种说法，而这可以是一段健康关系的标志。
“It’s the in-between ones, when they use the language of friendship, my stomach turns,” Bader said. “It’s a red flag for a lot of conflict avoidance and intensity avoidance. It often means they’ve given up on the complexity of being with somebody. Instead of saying, ‘Oh, well, that’s who they are,’ it’s better if they try to work things out.”
“有问题的是这两者之间的那些，他们用这种友谊的说法，我就很不舒服，”巴德说。“这是一味回避冲突、回避紧张关系的危险信号。它常常意味着他们不愿再去面对和某人相处时的复杂问题。他们最好是设法解决问题，而不是说‘哦，好吧，他们就是那个样子’。”
Bader said that she wished popular magazines would challenge the notion that you shouldn’t get married to change someone. “I think that’s what marriage is about,” she said. “It’s where some of the juices come from, and it’s also how you get the best out of the person you marry.”
巴德说，她希望通俗杂志能质疑这样一种理念：你不该抱着改变某人的念头与其结婚。“我认为那是婚姻的意义所在，”她说。“它是部分动力的来源，也是让与你结婚的人展现出最美好一面的方法。”
The phrase has become so ubiquitous that we almost don’t hear it anymore. “You’re still my best friend,” Michelle Obama effused to Barack Obama in an Instagram post celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary.
这种说法无处不在，以至于我们几乎对其充耳不闻。“你仍然是我最好的朋友，”米歇尔·奥巴马(Michelle Obama)在庆祝她与贝拉克·奥巴马(Barack Obama)结婚25周年的Instagram帖子中向其吐露衷肠。
It’s common at award shows, as when Justin Timberlake said not long ago, “I want to thank my best friend, my favorite collaborator, my wife, Jessica.” It’s common on how-to sites, where authors write articles on “nurturing a friendship” with your spouse.
它常常出现在颁奖典礼上，比如贾斯汀·汀布莱克(Justin Timberlake)不久前就表示，“我要感谢我最好的朋友，我心爱的合作者，我的妻子杰西卡(Jessica)。”它常常出现在指南类网站上，其作者会写一些教你如何与配偶“培养友谊”的文章。
Like the living dead, another oxymoron, spouse-friends, are all around us these days. Maybe it’s the heightened attention on friendship in social media; maybe it’s the decline of actual friends in our lives; maybe it’s because we all have access to public declarations of once-private relationships. Whatever the reason, referring to your spouse as your bestie, your bud, or your #BFF has become rampant.
和矛盾修辞法的另一个例子“活死人”一样，现今，“配偶兼朋友”在我们周遭颇为常见。也许是因为友谊在社交媒体上受到高度关注；也许是因为生活中真正的朋友正在远去；也许是因为我们都有了把曾经私密的关系公诸于众的渠道。不论是什么原因，把配偶称为bestie（死党）、bud（朋友）或#BFF（一生的挚友）这种情况堪称泛滥。
So rampant, in fact, there’s even a backlash. “Why Your Spouse Shouldn’t Be Your Best Friend” one marital advice blog declares.
泛滥到了招致反弹的程度。“为什么说你的配偶不应该是你最好的朋友”，一个婚姻咨询博客以这样的标题表明态度。
So which is it? Is considering your spouse your closest friend a sign of hard-earned intimacy, attachment and trust, or is it a sign you’ve become so enmeshed in the day-to-day logistics of managing your lives that you’ve given up sexual attraction, passion and erotic play? Has marriage become little more than benefits with friendship?
那么，这到底是怎么回事？把配偶当成最亲密的朋友是标志着来之不易的亲密、依恋和信任，还是标志着你忙于应对日常生活中的柴米油盐，无暇顾及性吸引、激情和夫妻间的情趣？婚姻带来的好处已经和友谊相差无几了吗？
There is some research into this question. John Helliwell is a professor at the Vancouver School of Economics and the editor of the World Happiness Report. As he researched social connections a few years ago, he found that everyone derives benefits from online friends and real-life friends, but the only friends that boost our life satisfaction are real friends.
有人对这个问题做了一些研究。约翰·海利韦尔(John Helliwell)是温哥华经济学院(Vancouver School of Economics)的教授以及《世界幸福度报告》(World Happiness Report)的编辑。他几年前研究社会关系时发现，网络上的朋友和现实生活中的朋友都能让人获益，但只有真正的朋友才能提升我们的生活满意度。
“But while the effects of real friends on your well-being is important for everybody,” he said, “they are less so for married people than for singles. That’s how we got to the idea that marriage is a kind of ‘super-friendship.'”
“不过，虽然对每个人而言，真正的朋友给幸福感带来的影响都很重要，”他说，“但比起单身人士，已婚者受到的影响要小一些。因此我们才会觉得，婚姻是一种‘超级友谊’。”
Helliwell and a colleague discovered that a long-running study in Britain had data that may illuminate this question. From 1991 to 2009, the British Household Panel Survey asked 30,000 people to quantify their life satisfaction. In general, married people expressed higher satisfaction, he said, and were better able to manage the dip in well-being that most people experience in middle age, as they face work stress, caring for aging parents and other pressures.
海利韦尔和一名同事发现，英国的一项长期研究的数据或许有助于揭示这个问题。从1991年到2009年，英国家庭调查所(British Household Panel Survey)曾让三万人给自己的生活满意度打分。他说，总体而言，已婚者满意度较高，他们也能更好地应对大多数人会遭遇的生活满意度下降问题，比如人到中年，背负工作的压力，照顾年迈双亲的责任以及其他种种压力。
But an entirely separate part of the study asked people to name their best friend. Those who listed their spouse were twice as likely to have higher life satisfaction. Slightly more men than women made that choice, he said, “which makes sense, because men tend to have fewer friends.”
但在该研究另一个完全独立的部分中，人们被要求说出自己最好的朋友的名字。那些把配偶列为最好的朋友的人，拥有较高满意度的可能性要高出一倍。如此选择的男性稍多于女性，他说“这是说得通的，因为男性的朋友往往更少一些。”
Is feeling this way about your spouse necessary for a good marriage? I asked.
对配偶的这种感觉是成就美满婚姻的必要条件吗？我问。
“Absolutely not,” Helliwell said. “The benefits of marriage are strong even for those who are littered with outside friends. It’s just bigger for those who consider their spouse their closest friend. It’s a bonus.”
“绝对不是，”海利韦尔说。“即便对那些在外面朋友很多的人来说，婚姻也大有好处。对那些认为配偶是最亲密朋友的人来说，好处还要更大。这是一种额外的收获。”
Others are not so sure.
还有一些人则没那么确定。
Amir Levine is a psychiatrist and neuroscientist at Columbia University, and the co-author of “Attached.” A student of social relations, Levine explained that everyone has what he calls a hierarchy of attachment, meaning if something bad happens to us, we have a ranking of the people we call. In our early decades, those on the highest rungs are usually our parents or other family members.
阿米尔·列文(Amir Levine)是哥伦比亚大学的精神病学家和神经科学家，也是《依恋》(Attached)一书的合著者。研习社会关系的列文解释说，每个人都有一个他所谓的依恋层级体系，意思是说，如果遇到不好的事情，我们向人求助时会有一个次序。年少的时候，位次最高的通常是我们的双亲或其他家人。
“The problem as you grow older is, how do you let somebody close who’s basically a total stranger?” he said. “Nature came up with a trick: It’s called attraction. Sexual attraction brings down all the barriers, lets you get close to a new person in a physical way that you don’t get close to your family.”
“问题是，随着年纪渐长，你如何让某个人靠近一个基本上完全陌生的人？”他说。“大自然想出了一个妙招：那就是吸引。性吸引会打破所有障碍，让你从生理上亲近一个新人——你并不会以那种方式亲近自己的家人。”
Over time, of course, this physical connection wanes. While many bemoan this loss of titillation, Levine celebrates it. “It’s smart,” he said. “If you’re going to be crazy about the other person all the time, how are you going to raise kids? How are you going to be able to work?”
当然了，假以时日，这种生理的联结会褪色。很多人惋惜于欢愉的消退，列文却表示赞许。“这很明智，”他说。“如果一直为另一个人疯狂下去，你怎么抚养孩子？又怎么能好好工作？”
Instead of complaining, we should view this new phase as an achievement: “OK, now I have this person I’m attached to. I have the feeling of security. That’s what allows me to be an individual again and self-actualize.”
我们不应该抱怨，而是应该把这个新阶段看作一种成就：“好了，我现在拥有了我迷恋的这个人。我有了安全感。这让我可以重新变成独立的人，专注于自我实现。”
Levine summarizes this feeling with the (somewhat awkward) acronym CARRP; your partner is consistent, available, responsive, reliable and predictable. But don’t we already have a word, “spouse,” that fits this description? I said. Why are we suddenly using the expression “best friend,” when that doesn’t seem to fit at all?
列文把这种感觉总结为（有点别扭的）首字母缩略词CARRP；你有一个持久(consistent)、有空(available)、有反应(responsive)、可靠(reliable)、可预测(predictable)的伴侣。但我们不是已经有了与该描述相符的“配偶”一词了吗？我说。我们为什么突然用起了“最好的朋友”这种说法，看上去一点都不搭。
“Because not every spouse provides that,” he said, “and we’re indicating we don’t take it for granted. What we should probably be saying is ‘secure spouse.'”
“因为并非每位配偶都能提供这个，”他说，“我们想要表达的是我们并未将其视作理所当然。我们或许应该使用‘令人安心的配偶’这种说法。”
There’s yet another problem with calling your husband or wife your best friend. The words mean totally different things.
把丈夫或妻子称为最好的朋友还有一个问题。这些词的含义截然不同。
Peter Pearson and Ellyn Bader are founders of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California, and the authors of “Tell Me No Lies.” They’ve also been married for more than 30 years. Pearson said there’s a critical difference between a best friend and a spouse. “One of the criteria for a best friend is you feel unconditionally accepted,” he said. “Do I care if my buddy Mark is messy in the kitchen, leaves his bathroom a shambles and doesn’t pay his income taxes?”
彼得·皮尔森(Peter Pearson)和埃琳·巴德(Ellyn Bader)是加州门洛帕克伴侣研究所(Couples Institute)的创始人，以及《别对我撒谎》(Tell Me No Lies)一书的作者。他们俩还是结婚三十年多年的老夫老妻。皮尔森说最好的朋友和配偶之间有一个关键的差别。“最好的朋友的一个标准是无条件认同，”他说。“如果我的朋友马克把厨房搞得盆朝天碗朝地，把洗手间弄得一团糟，还不缴纳所得税，我会在乎吗？”
But with a spouse, he said, you can’t avoid these topics.
但他说，要是面对配偶，你就无法避免这些话题。
Bader said that when couples are just getting to know each other, they often say they’re companions, and she’s fine with that. When couples have been together 30, 40 or 50 years, they use similar language, and that can be the mark of a healthy relationship.
巴德说，伴侣们刚开始相互了解时，他们常说他们是同伴，她觉得这可以接受。当伴侣们在一起已经长达三四十年甚或五十年时间，他们会使用同一种说法，而这可以是一段健康关系的标志。
“It’s the in-between ones, when they use the language of friendship, my stomach turns,” Bader said. “It’s a red flag for a lot of conflict avoidance and intensity avoidance. It often means they’ve given up on the complexity of being with somebody. Instead of saying, ‘Oh, well, that’s who they are,’ it’s better if they try to work things out.”
“有问题的是这两者之间的那些，他们用这种友谊的说法，我就很不舒服，”巴德说。“这是一味回避冲突、回避紧张关系的危险信号。它常常意味着他们不愿再去面对和某人相处时的复杂问题。他们最好是设法解决问题，而不是说‘哦，好吧，他们就是那个样子’。”
Bader said that she wished popular magazines would challenge the notion that you shouldn’t get married to change someone. “I think that’s what marriage is about,” she said. “It’s where some of the juices come from, and it’s also how you get the best out of the person you marry.”
巴德说，她希望通俗杂志能质疑这样一种理念：你不该抱着改变某人的念头与其结婚。“我认为那是婚姻的意义所在，”她说。“它是部分动力的来源，也是让与你结婚的人展现出最美好一面的方法。”
